To the citizens of the United States of America, in light of your
failure to elect a competent President of the USA and thus to govern
yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your
independence, effective today.
Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II resumes monarchical duties
over all states, commonwealths and other territories. Except Utah, which
she does not fancy.
Your new prime minister (The Right Honourable Theresa May, MP for
the 97.8% of you who have, until now, been unaware there's a world
outside your borders) will appoint a minister for America. Congress and
the Senate are disbanded. A questionnaire circulated next year will
determine whether any of you noticed.
To aid your transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:
1. Look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary. Check
"aluminium" in the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how
wrongly you pronounce it. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words
such as 'favour' and 'neighbour'. Likewise you will learn to spell
'doughnut' without skipping half the letters. Generally, you should
raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. Look up "vocabulary." Using
the same twenty seven words interspersed with filler noises such as
"like" and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of
communication. Look up "interspersed." There will be no more 'bleeps' in
the Jerry Springer show. If you're not old enough to cope with bad
language then you should not have chat shows.
2. There is no such thing as "US English." We'll let Microsoft know
on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take
account of the reinstated letter 'u'.
3. You should learn to distinguish English and Australian accents.
It really isn't that hard. English accents are not limited to cockney,
upper-class twit or Mancunian (Daphne in Frasier). Scottish dramas such
as 'Taggart' will no longer be broadcast with subtitles.You must learn
that there is no such place as Devonshire in England. The name of the
county is "Devon." If you persist in calling it Devonshire, all American
States will become "shires" e.g. Texasshire Floridashire,
Louisianashire.
4. You should relearn your original national anthem, "God Save The Queen", but only after fully carrying out task 1.
5. You should stop playing American "football." There's only one
kind of football. What you call American "football" is not a very good
game. The 2.1% of you aware there is a world outside your borders may
have noticed no one else plays "American" football. You should instead
play proper football. Initially, it would be best if you played with the
girls. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play
rugby (which is similar to American "football", but does not involve
stopping for a rest every two seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour
like nancies) You should stop playing baseball. It's not reasonable to
host event called the 'World Series' for a game which is not played
outside of America. Instead of baseball, you will be allowed to play a
girls' game called "rounders," which is baseball without fancy team
stripe, oversized gloves, collector cards or hotdogs.
6. You will no longer be allowed to own or carry guns, or anything
more dangerous in public than a vegetable peeler. Because you are not
sensible enough to handle potentially dangerous items, you need a permit
to carry a vegetable peeler.
7. July 4th is no longer a public holiday. November 2nd will be a new national holiday. It will be called "Indecisive Day."
8. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and it is for
your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we
mean. All road intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you
will start driving on the left. At the same time, you will go metric
without the benefit of conversion tables. Roundabouts and metrication
will help you understand the British sense of humour.
9. Learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are
not real chips. Fries aren't French, they're Belgian though 97.8% of you
(including the guy who discovered fries while in Europe) are not aware
of a country called Belgium. Potato chips are properly called "crisps."
Real chips are thick cut and fried in animal fat. The traditional
accompaniment to chips is beer which should be served warm and flat.
10. The cold tasteless stuff you call beer is actually lager. Only
proper British Bitter will be referred to as "beer." Substances once
known as "American Beer" will henceforth be referred to as "Near-Frozen
Gnat's Urine," except for the product of the American Budweiser company
which will be called "Weak Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine." This will allow
true Budweiser (as manufactured for the last 1000 years in Pilsen, Czech
Republic) to be sold without risk of confusion.
11. The UK will harmonise petrol prices (or "Gasoline," as you will
be permitted to keep calling it) for those of the former USA, adopting
UK petrol prices (roughly $6/US gallon, get used to it).
12. Learn to resolve personal issues without guns, lawyers or
therapists. That you need many lawyers and therapists shows you're not
adult enough to be independent. If you're not adult enough to sort
things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist, you're not
grown up enough to handle a gun.
13. Please tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us crazy.
14. Tax collectors from Her Majesty's Government will be with you
shortly to ensure the acquisition of all revenues due (backdated to
1776).
Thank you for your co-operation.
* John Cleese [Basil Fawlty, Fawlty Towers, Sir Lancelot of Camelot
(Monty Python & The Quest for the Holy Grail), Torquay, Devon,
England]
Disclaimer: Source Link
Ma koliko god i Britanci bili nadmeni i uvek spremni da svima i u svako doba dele savete, toliko mi se ovaj tekst dopao. Striktno dozirani bezobrazluk jednog Britanca i crnog humora jednog pripadnika čuvenog Letećeg cirkusa Montija Pajtona su po meni dobra mešavina. I priznajem, volim sve radove Letećeg cirkusa Montija Pajtona i njegovih pripadnika.
Ipak, moram se zapitati, odakle toliko ubeđenosti čitavog sveta u tzv pogrešnu odluku američkog naroda u njihov izbor? Zar je druga opcija bila toliko bolja? Sumnjam. Moje mišljenje je da su Sjedinjene Američke Države bile u buli i ćorsokaku ovog puta. Nije bilo bolje opcije. Bile su jednostavno dve opcije i to je to. Ko je bolji, ko je gori, zavisi samo od nivoa zaluđenosti i ostrašćenosti politikom i strančarenjem. Ako neko zaista misli da će se spoljna i unutrašnja politika jedne tako velike i moćne države, kao što je SAD, promeniti menjanjem jednog čoveka, taj neko bi mogao malo da popričeka sa komentarisanjem. Potrebno je ipak provesti dosta godina na ovom svetu, doživeti neke stvari i onda lagano sagledati sve. U slučaju malih i krajnje neuticajnih država, promena vlasti može da utiče čak i na brojno stanje u toj državi, dok se kod velikih točkovi sporo okreću i melju šta god im se nađe na putu. Dok se ta velika kola zaokrenu i izbegnu nekoga, uh, načekaćemo se dok taj dan dođe. Koga su nameračili da zgaze, zgaziće ga i idu dalje. Ne staju. Da li ta kola vozi stari, gotovo deda po godinama, pajac i medijski manipulator koji ima virtuelnog keša da kupi pola malih država po svetu ili je opet u pitanju žena, opet pa baba po godinama koje ima, koja je progutala više nego Monika Levinski, potpuno je svejedno.
Vreme će pokazati da li grešim. Nadam se da će ova virtuelna kafana poživeti duže od bilo kojeg predsednika na svetu.
